I feel so.. Not me? Help with advice on what to do ?

I don't feel like myself, I don't know who I am. I feel like I've lost all my good friends. My best friend moved last summer and I felt so incredibly alone with her gone. I haven't let myself get attached to anyone this whole year, I'm just to afraid of them leaving me. Yet, at the same time I want a relationship with someone where I can totally trust them, but I dot let myself trust them. I want to love someone and be happy but I can't. My self esteem is extremely low. It suddenly dropped after a bad break up and my friend moving away. Now I've stopped eating as an attempt to finally get to the point where I'm happy with my body. I hate who I am. I wish I were dead, but I don't want to kill myself, I just want to die.